When I blow it as a dad

During the summer months when school is out I get my 3 kids for the first two weeks of each month. So in addition to my step-kids I have 5 kids that I stay at home with during the day. My kids just returned to their mother's on this last Sunday for June's visitation. Given their ages, having all 5 of them is nothing short of chaos. Three hormonal tweens with attitudes, (one is oppositional defiant), a sensitive 7 year old and 5 year old who is definitely her own person with as many one liners as a blockbuster comedy.

Having all 5 of them together typically means my time is pretty much stretched for whatever activity or task that needs to be done. More kids means more laundry, more dishes, more one on one times, more together time and less personal time. I feel like Snow White caring for my own set of seven dwarves.

Who Am I?

Wow, who am I? This was actually an easy question for me to answer. I have bipolar, but I'm not a label. I have Parkinson's, but I'm not a disease. The reference in my blog title defines me and I'm happy with that. I'm a Recycled Dad. I hope it's ok, but I used the following from previous posts that I had actually wrote about who I was. I edited it though to fit the format for this contest, but none the less, it is true to answer the question.

Think about what recycled means: "to reuse or make available for reuse for biological activities, to adapt to a new use, to bring back, to make ready for reuse." Ask any number of divorced dads and step-dads you're sure to get a consensus, "recycled" is how we feel..."reused, adapted." Out with the old and in with the new. Roles and relationships are redefined when it comes to biological children in spite of the fact they shouldn't be. They are your children. No one should be allowed to tell you your limits. But when the mother walks away it produces cause for change.

Step-parenting produces its own special line of challenges of feeling recycled. You wrestle with the question, "are you recycling your role as a father to your own children?" "Are you recycling your role as a father and trying to replace their father out of some need to fill that emptiness that was created in the divorce?"

A Dad's Point Of View: A Real Dad Is Only As Happy As Their Least Happiest Child

I warn you, this is another long post. But I believe it is well worth your time. It's going to focus on many issues and I hope it doesn't jump around. Any good parent is only as happy as their least happiest child. I can only speak from my personal experience and heart. 

One of my favorite songs that I literally take as a prayer to God is "Lead Me," by Sanctus Real. It is a real prayer written by the bands lead singer written out his heart after he and his wife had been experiencing a period of distance and misunderstandings between themselves and their children.  A few words of his prayer made into that hit song goes:

”I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
 They're just children from the outside
 I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
 They're independent
 But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
 Lead me with strong hands
 Stand up when I can't
 Don't leave me hungry for love
 Chasing dreams, but what about us?
 Show me you're willing to fight
 That I'm still the love of your life
 I know we call this our home
 But I still feel alone”
 So Father, give me the strength
 To be everything I'm called to be
 Oh, Father, show me the way
 To lead them
 Won't You lead me?"

Final: Hated Father

It is fatherhood which makes childhood possible.

One of the last scenes of the movie Saving Private Ryan really stands out to me. If you recall the scene where, as an old man, Ryan is standing with his wife at the grave of Capt. John Miller surrounded in a field of white crosses. He was the platoon leader who, along with several other men that gave their lives to see that at that time private Ryan safely return to his family who had already lost his multiple brothers in the war.

Ryan seemingly overwhelmed by a number of emotions kneels and as if they were standing face to face tells him he's never forgotten those last words, "Earn it," the captain spoke to him as he slipped away after receiving a fatal wound.

Ryan turns to his wife, catching her by surprise and seeking true affirmation asks her, "Tell me I've led a good life. Tell me I'm a good man." Confused but honest she responds, "You are."

I Was Born A Year Ago Today

"How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars..." - Chuck Palahniuk, author of  Fight Club

I think people would agree that a fight that's one-sided isn't really a fight. That's just a beating. That's a bully taking advantage of someone weaker than he or she is. A real fight is back and forth; you trade blows.

The keeping of one's faith is similar. If you want to be a Christian or even remotely God-conscious, this life will fight you for it. It's going to hit you, and as commonly said, nobody hits harder than life. The world tries to take your joy and your peace with every unwanted circumstance, every unexpected tragedy, and every unforeseen pitfall.

Four roles, one Father....

Today, it's difficult to define the role of fathers and it's very much a case of 'ask ten people and you'll get eleven opinions'

An eleven year old son, a seven year old son and a five a year old daughter from a previous marriage. A twelve year old stepson. A ten year old stepdaughter. Two inside cats. And two outside dogs.  That's my home, on certain days of the week...certain days of the month and certain holidays of the year.

You go from father to divorced-father to single-father and "weekend-dad" with the probability of step-father with a second family. Each role has its own difficult challenges. There's this internal fight that constantly goes on inside you. It's more than a debate. It's a weighing of options. Internal conflicts.

You know you're a father. You constantly remind yourself you're a father. The fact that you're even in a position requiring you to remind yourself that you're a father makes you furious. The court now says you're a non-custodial parent. You're no longer gender identified. They could've at least left you your dignity and allowed you to keep the one identifier that made you stand out, set apart...your gender. Maybe the title of, "non-custodial father?"  Or better, "non-custodial Dad." Because after all, it's the father-child relationship that is the defining factor of the fatherhood role in life. A "Dad" does not have to be a child's biological father. Many children, as my own step-children, refer to their stepfather as dad.