This is not the Cosby Show

Every day on Facebook I see posts from people begging for 5 o'clock to come around. Fridays I see posts from people; TGIF! Sundays I see posts in dreads of impending Mondays.

As stressful as it can be I love my job. I have the hardest to please bosses I have ever had in my working years. They are the most demanding, most obnoxious, rudest bosses ever. I have never been able to please them all at the same time.

They are the most ungrateful and unsatisfied people I have ever worked for. Their demands are unreasonable and give out impossible deadlines to meet at all hours of the day (and night). In fact, my job never ends. There is no time clock, no 5 o'clock. No TGIF. Friday never comes and every day is Monday. No holidays either.

When I blow it as a dad

During the summer months when school is out I get my 3 kids for the first two weeks of each month. So in addition to my step-kids I have 5 kids that I stay at home with during the day. My kids just returned to their mother's on this last Sunday for June's visitation. Given their ages, having all 5 of them is nothing short of chaos. Three hormonal tweens with attitudes, (one is oppositional defiant), a sensitive 7 year old and 5 year old who is definitely her own person with as many one liners as a blockbuster comedy.

Having all 5 of them together typically means my time is pretty much stretched for whatever activity or task that needs to be done. More kids means more laundry, more dishes, more one on one times, more together time and less personal time. I feel like Snow White caring for my own set of seven dwarves.

I'm not a nag, I maintain a consistent message.

I realized today how much I sound like a broken record. (And why is it called broken when if it's broken you couldn't play it? It's scratched that makes it skip.) Anyway, parenting in itself can be repetitive when it comes to verbal communication. Get five kids together who seem to have no problem distracting each other, or what I could almost believe to be on purpose, and I for certain can etch a list of daily phrases in stone. Get one child to do something out of sync and any number of them are sure to follow.

I hate repeating myself. It's expected for toddlers. Try it for 3 tweens and see how long patience lasts. Like my daily routines so are my broken record of reminders, corrections and tired incentives. You may call it nagging, by now I've come to think of it more as maintaining a consistent message.

Oh, I know I'm not the only one. I hear of parents complaining of saying the same things over and over. My kids aren't toddlers. So if I am nag I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only  one.

Things I actually say on a daily basis:

"Stop asking me."

"I'm tired of telling you."

"Why haven't you brushed your teeth yet?"

"Who was the last one to use the bathroom?"

"I'm tired of telling?"

"Shut the door when you go to the bathroom!"

"Why aren't those beds made?"

"Didn't I already give you an answer?"

"Put the remote down. It's not a toy."

"Did you flush?"

"Pick your dirty clothes up."

"What happened now."

"I'm tired of telling you!"

"If you ask me one more time the answer's no."

"Answer me."

"Look at me when I'm talking to you."

"You have ten more minutes?" (Wii or computer games)

"Keep your hands to yourself!"

"I'm tired of telling you!"

"Are you the parent?"

"Did I ask you?"

"That's enough!"

"That's nasty."

"Would you like me to find you something to do?"

"Close your mouth when you're eating!"

"I'm waiting."

"When I ask you a question I expect an answer."

"Why are you arguing over a stupid......"

"Gross, you just used the bathroom. You're not gonna wash your hands?"

"Why do I have to tell you the same things every?"

"I love you (too)."

A Father's Miscarriage

Father's Day is approaching. For many it's celebrated. For new dads it's that long awaited finality as if it's that stamp of completion..."you've arrived, welcome to the club." Father's Day is a bit more complicated for me so I don't think much of it. You would think I would considering how big of a father's heart I carry. Then again I'm not big on holidays where appreciation is the expectation.

As much as I cherish all of my children, biological and step, being with them and even crossing my mind when we are not together, shortly before Father's Day my mind begins to remind me of the three I do not have.

I think, and I may be wrong, that most people view miscarriages as something that only affects women. Contrary to that perception men in a devoted relationship are impacted by such an event; especially three of them.

Looking back I see that for the most I didn't let myself grieve like I should have. Loss due to death has seemed to have shown up frequently throughout my life. The first experience, we were in our teens. We weren't prepared or mature enough to handle something like this. Teenagers, young, scared and excited. You're in love. Well, you think you are.

Who Am I?

Wow, who am I? This was actually an easy question for me to answer. I have bipolar, but I'm not a label. I have Parkinson's, but I'm not a disease. The reference in my blog title defines me and I'm happy with that. I'm a Recycled Dad. I hope it's ok, but I used the following from previous posts that I had actually wrote about who I was. I edited it though to fit the format for this contest, but none the less, it is true to answer the question.

Think about what recycled means: "to reuse or make available for reuse for biological activities, to adapt to a new use, to bring back, to make ready for reuse." Ask any number of divorced dads and step-dads you're sure to get a consensus, "recycled" is how we feel..."reused, adapted." Out with the old and in with the new. Roles and relationships are redefined when it comes to biological children in spite of the fact they shouldn't be. They are your children. No one should be allowed to tell you your limits. But when the mother walks away it produces cause for change.

Step-parenting produces its own special line of challenges of feeling recycled. You wrestle with the question, "are you recycling your role as a father to your own children?" "Are you recycling your role as a father and trying to replace their father out of some need to fill that emptiness that was created in the divorce?"

Mental Father? "Sad Dad"

I...in a fleshly tomb, am Buried above ground--William Cowper

I've been a stay-at-home-dad for most of my kids lives since their births 12 years ago. My youngest is 5. Even though my own 3 kids live with their mother and my step-kids are 10 and 12 here, and in school, I still refer to myself as a SAHD. I don't have infants at home with me during the day. Unless you count the cats. They act just as needy if not spoiled. So when the kids are out of school or home I'm with them.

Because of the Parkinson's I only work a part-time job while I spend my days taking care of the home. My days are routine; monotones. Days run into each other with sleepless nights spent writing. Mornings are coffee with the gathering of laundry and the usual items left out. It's almost like an Easter egg hunt except they are hidden in plain sight. Then there's the kitchen, and anything else that needs to be done....chores and non-chores.

It makes for lonely days, especially after 8 hour long sleepless nights. Long lonely nights. Maybe I should start talking to the cats. They seem to listen the most.

If you type in the words "depressed father" in your search engine to try to find any kind of resources to help yourself cope with depression as a father good luck. What you will find is link after link to countless sites and articles with "research" on how depressed fathers are more likely to spank their kids and how detrimental they are to them. The lingo: "Sad Dads" & "Hit Learning." As if a silently struggling father isn't already grasping for answers.

I searched site after site and they were all the same...negative. Some were downright accusatory. As if it's inevitable and one will have no say in the matter. One was titled, "If dad's sad, he spanks." Non were positive in support. Then I searched postpartum depression and it was like night and day. If I was a woman I would be basking in a sea of endless resources as a mother. I wouldn't be "sad dad" who uses "hit learning." I'd have the "baby blues" and sisters and friends would come from miles to help with the kids. I would have no problem finding any book dealing specifically with women and motherhood depression.

Four roles, one Father....

Today, it's difficult to define the role of fathers and it's very much a case of 'ask ten people and you'll get eleven opinions'

An eleven year old son, a seven year old son and a five a year old daughter from a previous marriage. A twelve year old stepson. A ten year old stepdaughter. Two inside cats. And two outside dogs.  That's my home, on certain days of the week...certain days of the month and certain holidays of the year.

You go from father to divorced-father to single-father and "weekend-dad" with the probability of step-father with a second family. Each role has its own difficult challenges. There's this internal fight that constantly goes on inside you. It's more than a debate. It's a weighing of options. Internal conflicts.

You know you're a father. You constantly remind yourself you're a father. The fact that you're even in a position requiring you to remind yourself that you're a father makes you furious. The court now says you're a non-custodial parent. You're no longer gender identified. They could've at least left you your dignity and allowed you to keep the one identifier that made you stand out, set apart...your gender. Maybe the title of, "non-custodial father?"  Or better, "non-custodial Dad." Because after all, it's the father-child relationship that is the defining factor of the fatherhood role in life. A "Dad" does not have to be a child's biological father. Many children, as my own step-children, refer to their stepfather as dad.