Part 1; What marriage has taught me: The strength of my weaknesses

My wife brings out the worst in me. She exposes all my flaws for what they are. More accurately, I have learned to embrace my weaknesses within our marriage. Yesterday was our five year anniversary. The fact that we made it this far is nothing short of a miracle. More than half of our marriage we faced some of the most hellish attacks and trials. In addition to the struggles of blending our family and excess baggage from our previous marriage, we faced and dealt with parental alienation with our children from both of our ex-spouses, custody battles, my bipolar with alcoholism and anorexia along with the progress of my Parkinson's, jail time, hospitalizations and suicide attempts.

The attacks from our ex-spouses brought out the worst in me. Better yet, the weaknesses within me surfaced. The baggage I carried from my previous marriage showed their presence and dominated both my emotions and behaviors. Many times they became too heavy to bear.

Of all the things for a spouse to bring out of us, the last things we want them to be are our weaknesses. They are painful. They are embarrassing. They are our faults and the last things we want exposed let alone face and deal with.

Paul wrote, "But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base of the world and the despised God has chosen..." 1 Cor. 1:27-28

Mental Father? "Sad Dad"

I...in a fleshly tomb, am Buried above ground--William Cowper

I've been a stay-at-home-dad for most of my kids lives since their births 12 years ago. My youngest is 5. Even though my own 3 kids live with their mother and my step-kids are 10 and 12 here, and in school, I still refer to myself as a SAHD. I don't have infants at home with me during the day. Unless you count the cats. They act just as needy if not spoiled. So when the kids are out of school or home I'm with them.

Because of the Parkinson's I only work a part-time job while I spend my days taking care of the home. My days are routine; monotones. Days run into each other with sleepless nights spent writing. Mornings are coffee with the gathering of laundry and the usual items left out. It's almost like an Easter egg hunt except they are hidden in plain sight. Then there's the kitchen, and anything else that needs to be done....chores and non-chores.

It makes for lonely days, especially after 8 hour long sleepless nights. Long lonely nights. Maybe I should start talking to the cats. They seem to listen the most.

If you type in the words "depressed father" in your search engine to try to find any kind of resources to help yourself cope with depression as a father good luck. What you will find is link after link to countless sites and articles with "research" on how depressed fathers are more likely to spank their kids and how detrimental they are to them. The lingo: "Sad Dads" & "Hit Learning." As if a silently struggling father isn't already grasping for answers.

I searched site after site and they were all the same...negative. Some were downright accusatory. As if it's inevitable and one will have no say in the matter. One was titled, "If dad's sad, he spanks." Non were positive in support. Then I searched postpartum depression and it was like night and day. If I was a woman I would be basking in a sea of endless resources as a mother. I wouldn't be "sad dad" who uses "hit learning." I'd have the "baby blues" and sisters and friends would come from miles to help with the kids. I would have no problem finding any book dealing specifically with women and motherhood depression.

Pt. 3 Hated Father

Your involvement in your own children's lives has been reduced to "visitation." At least that's what the orders on the court papers state. It's on paper. On one sheet that is. You get your kids on "these" days and "those" days of the month. If you want them more, well, you have to pretty much "ask permission" from their mother; because no matter how you word it "visitation" is the same as "loan."  Can it get any more demeaning than that? I assure you that it can.

I suppose no one looks in a mirror and sees a demon looking back? When a person demonizes another, it evidently frees up their own conscience to justify almost anything. Imagine that the person who hates you the most controls the people you love the most. Think of control in a broad sense. It's affects spread like a plague and everyone in your life responds in one way or another. That's the side effects of false child abuse allegations.

Perfectly Broken...

A priceless perfume falls to the floor, scattered in brokenness. It had been a wedding gift to be poured out upon her new husband's feet. It's her very own dowry. Her statement of complete love and devotion. In disbelief she was criticized. Her actions or inflictions are not revealed to us, but they knew them. They knew what she had been doing. They knew her story. No matter it was she had reach point; brokenness. Whatever the burdens, whatever the pains and hurts were, she couldn't carry them anymore. She faced two choices: stay wasted or find restoration. Walking into that room was like walking into a den of vipers. But it's there she finds that her brokenness is necessarily painful; that it was His gift. When facing our personal brokenness, any hope of restoration often eludes us. It seems safer to accept the loss -- unaware of God’s hand in brokenness.

Valentine's has experts?

It's that time of year....it's Valentine's weekend. By now all those self-proclaimed relationship guru's have come crawling out of hiding. Maybe they smell the chocolate in air. Maybe it's the pheromones. Maybe it's the allure of the potential profit to be made? Maybe it's the opportunity to strut one's stuff.  Maybe relationship experts do truly care and offer their best advice with best of intentions. What's one to do?

I will honestly admit I've never "gotten into" the whole Valentine's thing. I have always done my best to go along for the ride and live up to my wife's expectations. I can't say that I've succeeded at doing so, but I will at least try (pat on back).  After all, isn't that what you do with your sweetheart?  

Every holiday has a bad rap for one reason or another. But Valentine's is the one that severs the sex's right down the center. You could almost define ironic from this scenario. The very holiday that brags of being shrouded in love and romance claiming to bring lovers together apparently seems to draw more lines of division than paint pictures of love. Let's face it, no other holiday has rules on how to and how not to love the one you love. No other holiday has rules, advice and guidelines when it comes to gift buying. Wasn't it just two months ago we superficially were making attempts of teaching our kids, "It's better to give than to receive" along with "It's the thought that counts?" Along with becoming about "taking" this is the only holiday that becomes about being gender bias. For 364 days of the year men and women are equal. Well, in theory, but not on Valentine's. The Valentine's season has way too cheesy clichés (again, I hate clichés), expensive candy, high price flowers, and too high expectations.