There is nothing you can do

There are two things I know from life; Bipolar and addiction. I’ve spent my complete life searching for recovery from my Bipolar and almost the latter half from addiction.

Bipolar and addiction are so intertwined that some doctors routinely test individuals for drug or alcohol abuse or addiction.

During a manic phase, people often live a more reckless lifestyle. Many, as I did, may self-medicate with drugs or alcohol or both.

I am glad to say that I am at a place of recovery in both. I’m at the point of continually working on my memoir. The following is a short poem from my journal dated Jan 10, 2003. I’ve included it in my memoir.

It is my voice of frustration and anger with not so much of having to deal with both physical and mental pain but instead of broken promises and failures from treatments.  

Things NOT to say to someone with bipolar

The other night I went to my local emergency room for blackouts and possible seizures. I went because I was in the midst of a blackout. I had already seen my neurologist and had an EEG and MRI that showed “red flags. So since I was home I figured I would make a trip to the ER.

I proceed with the intake process as normal being treated with respect and my condition with concern. But then came the moment when I had to list all the medications I was on and why. “Um, I’m bipolar.” It was if I had told them I had the plague or some kind of wife beater. The staff’s demeanor made a one-eighty turn.

If you have bipolar, someone has said at least one of these things to you. Probably more. If you know someone who has the illness, you may guilty yourself. Hearing them can be painful, infuriating, depressing - even destructive. Saying them, I assure you, is NOT going to be helpful.

Commons myths of Bipolar

Bipolar disorder is a serious and difficult illness that affects all facets of a person’s life: their education, work, relationships, health and finances, said Julia A Fast, author of several bestselling books on bipolar disorder, including Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder, and a coach who works with partners and families.

Fast was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder II at 31 years old in 1995, a time when very little was discussed regarding the diagnosis. Fortunately, knowledge and media coverage of bipolar disorder have improved dramatically over the years. “I’m astonished at how much more people know about the illness,” she said.

Looking back at my early childhood it is evident that I had bipolar, but it wasn’t until I was 24 that I was officially diagnosed and began my years of trial and error of medications.
Even TV shows are featuring more accurate portrayals of bipolar disorder. “In the past, people with bipolar disorder were practically frothing at the mouth,” Fast said. Today, writers and producers make it a point to get it right. Recently, Fast served as one of the advisors on the hit Show-time series “Homeland” and talked with Claire Danes about her character’s bipolar disorder.
While information has gotten much better, many misconceptions still exist and endure.
Below, you’ll find five persistent myths about bipolar disorder

1. Myth: Bipolar disorder and depression are completely different diagnoses.
Fact: Bipolar disorder and depression — also known as unipolar depression — are not completely different illnesses, according to Francis Mondimore, MD, associate clinical director of the Department of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins. In fact, he believes this is one of the most misunderstood ideas about bipolar disorder. (He blames psychiatrists for the misconception.)
Patients who believe this myth may oppose the diagnosis “if they don’t have the full-blown ‘medications-depressive’ picture and also resist taking “bipolar” medications like lithium,” said Dr. Mondimore, also author of Bipolar Disorder--A Guide to Family and Loved Ones.
It’s more accurate to think of bipolar disorder and depression as “probably represent[ing] two ends of a spectrum of illnesses,” he said. “The designation ‘bipolar II’ has helped crack this a bit, but this is why the term ‘bipolar spectrum disorder’ continues to gain ground,” he said.

2. Myth: People with bipolar disorder experience dramatic mood swings followed by complete remission of symptoms.
Fact: Some people with bipolar disorder experience this pattern, Mondimore said. (Lithium is typically very effective for these individuals, he said.) However, “Many patients have periods of residual symptoms and less severe but still significant mood fluctuations between episodes of more severe symptoms,” he said. This is especially common if people don’t engage in healthy habits to manage the illness.

3. Myth: Medication is the only treatment for bipolar disorder.
Fact: Medication is an important part of managing bipolar disorder. But it’s not the only answer. Viewing medication as your only treatment option “can lead to fruitless reaches for the ‘right’ medication,” Mondimore said. And it can lead you to avoid making valuable lifestyle changes and seeking therapy, he said.

As Fast writes on her website, “Medications take care of half of the illness, the other half is management.”

Both Fast and Mondimore stressed the importance of leading a healthy lifestyle, including avoiding alcohol and drugs, cultivating good sleep habits, exercising and effectively coping with stress.
Fast includes medication and alternative therapies as part of her treatment plan. Still, she cautioned against thinking “that we can exercise, diet, meditate, walk and rethink our way out of this illness.” (In fact, this is another big myth that persists, Fast said.)
Think of bipolar disorder like any other long-term illness, such as diabetes and high blood pressure, Mondimore said: It requires commitment and comprehensive management.

4. Myth: After having a severe episode, people with bipolar disorder should be able to bounce back.
Fact: If a person with bipolar disorder experiences a severe episode — one that requires hospitalization, for instance — there’s an expectation that afterward they’ll be able to get back to their work and life, Fast said. However, she equated this scenario to people who’ve been in a car crash. You wouldn’t expect someone with broken bones simply to get up and start sprinting.

5. Myth: People with bipolar disorder aren’t trying hard enough.
Fact: People wonder why someone with bipolar disorder just doesn’t try harder. They think that if they exert more effort, they’d have the life they want. They wonder why everyone else who experiences mood swings can cope with them but someone with bipolar disorder can’t. Sometimes Fast has even wondered the same thing about herself.

But this implies that bipolar disorder is a choice, she said. “Would you ever say that to someone with diabetes or pneumonia?” she said.
People just don’t realize how serious bipolar disorder is, Fast said. Thankfully, though serious, it’s highly treatable. Managing the illness is hard work, and finding the right medication takes time. But as Fast said, “Keep trying. Never give up.”

The Perils of Mania

He who gives a book gives more than cloth,

Paper and ink. He gives more than leather, parchment, and words.

He reveals foreword of this thoughts, a dedication of his friendship,

A page of his presence, a chapter of himself,  

an index of his of love.

There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in the kind of madness that plagues one with bipolar. When you’re high it tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and too frequent like shooting stars. You follow them until you find bigger, better, and brighter things.

Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, they power to captivate others are certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensually is pervasive and the desire to seduce is irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence and euphoria pervades ones bones.

But then, somewhere it all comes crashing down. These changes. The fast ideas are far too fast and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against you is irritable, angry.

Frightened, uncontrollable and enmeshed totally in the blackest cave of the mind. Caves you never knew were there. It goes on and on and finally there is only the recollections of your behavior….your bizarre, frantic, aimless behavior….for mania has the grace of partially obliterating memories.

Powerlessness = Choice

I met a man recently who is a lot like me. I don't want to be like this man.

Psychiatric hospitals are places you will always meet characters. Some you forget; some stick out.

I'm bipolar and 37, but look no older than 25. He is also bipolar, but 45 and looks no younger than 65. We are a lot alike. Both have succumbed to our manic states. Both experience disabling depressions. Both have lived years of abusing alcohol and drugs with bouts of binges. Both have ruined ourselves financially. Both have divorced. Both have alienated friends and family in the past. Both have been in trouble with the law. Both have received undeserving grace. Except.....

Truth is not enough

Wish I had learned an invaluable lesson years ago. I'm trying to learn it now but I've always proven to be too hard headed. Too stubborn. The irony is that I've always fooled myself into thinking that I was the one taking charge.

Lately I have been having hard time dealing with my bipolar. I'm not referring to its symptoms, but the coping and dealing. I cycle so unpredictably. It gets the best of me and it is wearing me out. I'm tired from it mentally, physically and even spiritually. It's exhausting. What's worse is that it seems to worsen with each episode.

Scripture says that the truth will set us free. It seems to me not applying everything  of this wisdom from life's lessons learned is enough. I knew the truth years ago that whatever we focus on we become. It's the truth. But it hasn't set me free.

Do we all not know that E=Mc²? It's a fact. It's the truth. Now can you pass an advanced physics class and explain the concepts of mass-energy equivalences? Just knowing a truth is not enough.

Consequences, Dominoes, & Chains

Everything in life has consequences. Some good. Some bad. Consequences are like dominoes. Chain reactions. One leads to another and one never stands alone.

I am no stranger to consequences. They are just part of the package that comes along with being bipolar.

As of yesterday I am now a felon. Sometimes the law is too black and white. At least that's my opinion. Opening a door and sitting down in the front the seat of a stranger's car while in a psychosis will obviously still get you deemed guilty of burglary. There's going to be consequences.

My recent job loss has left me seeking employment at the same time I was found guilty. Though not impossible, but finding a job will be much harder. Most companies run background checks today. Domino effect.

The longer it takes for me to find a job the longer a financial strain it puts on my family. Domino effect. All from the beginning consequence of a bipolar psychosis.

Consequences; we all know what it means. It's defined as, the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier.

Accepting or tolerating a bipolar diagnosis

I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until I was twenty-four. Generally, most people with bipolar don't even show symptoms until in their early twenties. But I had spent the previous few years misdiagnosed with depression and obviously mistreated. And that was after dealing with it in my childhood and teenage years. At the time of my correct diagnosis I knew nothing of bipolar so I had nothing to prejudge it by. That was in 1994.

Looking back I always get aggravated at the dr. who finally diagnosed me. She said it in a "matter of fact" tone and that was it. No explanation. Only minor basics. No descriptions. There was no "ah ha!" moment because I had no idea what she was talking about. A label means nothing without an explanation.

It wasn't until years later that I sought real treatment for "this diagnosis." That was in 2000 when I started going to our state mental health program.

I fought my treatment. I despised my pills. I hated the idea of having to take them. I either hated the side effects or the idea of knowing I'm going to have to take these handful of pills for the rest of my life.

At times I enjoyed the hypomania, the mania. I missed them when the meds worked.

You're a scary mental case

Every one of us has a story to tell. It's taken a lifetime to write, and has more characters, plot lines, and twists than any other book written. Our stories are complex, and when someone asks us to tell it, we often don't even know where to start.

So why is that, when we see someone with a certain style of clothes, or type of car, even address?? And why do some fear or shun those that aren't different on the outside, but on the inside? We think we can sum their story up into one tidy statement?

            They're poor. She's trashy. He's a scary psycho.

If there is one thing I know about it is stigma and judgment. Flat out discrimination. Not because I do it. But I've been burned by its cruelty far too many times. And I have seen it happen for years on almost a daily basis to others for petty things like just the way someone is dressed.

The stuff that sticks

Have you ever pondered and thought and wondered why God was 'forcing you to go through such a hard time? Maybe a crisis. To suffer. Why He would insist on teaching you a lesson in a such hard way possible sometimes? If that was even His intentions at all.

I've wondered how as parents we let our children fail sometimes in order to let learn from their mistakes. How much would we let them lose? How far would we let them suffer? How long would we let them hurt? How intense would we allow their pain to grow?

What if we were to tell our children, "You're a mess! I'm going to change your life. It won't be easy, but abundance is on the other side. Follow my advice and you'll finally dig your way out, for good." Would they answer, "THANK YOU! Whatever you say!" because......

"I know I'm smart enough to know that someone else needs to handle this madness."

The Siren's Call

I recently awoke from almost a month's long sleep. At least that's what it feels like. But more precisely it was an almost month's long psychosis of mixed episodes of depressions and manias of my bipolar. It's why I went to the hospital last week.

As much as I try to remember the past few weeks I just cannot do it. With the few snippets of images in my mind that remain I try to retrace the few memories I have backwards from the pictures but they never show up. Using those same images I try moving forward. Still, no recall of any memory. There are no memories of conversations, of no talks or any other verbal exchanges.

Try remembering before your birth and describing it. You know you were alive but you can't remember it. Or try to remember your years before turning three or. It can't be done. That's what it feels like every time I blackout in psychosis. And each time it occurs they last longer and closer in between.

It's hard to describe the feeling of knowing you've said or done something that was hurtful; especially having done something and you have absolutely no memory of it all. Things said and done during psychosis are not so easily filtered by others.

The truth is, there will be people whom you've hurt or wronged or scared so badly they won't want to forgive you, or they won't be able to. It won't matter that you're psychotic.

I've learned all you can do is offer an apology if you feel one is needed. If they can't accept it, you have to accept that. But every action has consequences, and sometimes apologies or even restitutions don't make everything better.

Messes. Look at the messes that "I" never intended to make but have to pay the consequences and clean up, as do those that get caught in their wakes. Burning bridges. You have to put pieces together like a crime investigation before you can attempt to fix things.

It's the excesses that make bipolar so fascinating to many people. Face it, depression isn't much fun to watch. But mania...mania can be exhilarating. Exciting. Mania can be fun.

And that's from outsiders. Outsiders can laugh at your goofy behavior. Your funny conversations. From inside, it's either equally exciting or like being trapped in a living hell. At least while it's happening. But when the ride is over...when the music stops...when reality returns...when you wake up, you're the one left holding the bag. You're left trying to figure where you have been and what all you have done. You're the one who has to put the pieces back together, to try to make your life whole again. And you have to do it despite not always being sure what really happened in the first place.

I have been where I am today more than once in the past but this time it is the hardest to deal with. I'm seriously having a hard time accepting and dealing with the past month's occurrences and actions because of my bipolar episodes; particularly my episodes that of my psychosis.

I've been here before. Standing here. Sitting here. Looking and listening. Watching. Half waiting while half moving.

However, just because I'm having a hard time dealing with my recent episode doesn't mean I'm in a state of despair or feeling overwhelmed. I'm only in a moment of being upset. And quit the contrary. I see the need for changes and I have a drive do whatever it takes to find an aggressive treatment no matter what is thrown my way.

Waking up from an episode and/or psychosis can be empowering. Fixing problems is all about attitude.

If I look around at my life and see nothing but rubble, if I let my issues overwhelm me, I wallow in guilt, then all my issues are likely to perpetuate more issues and more guilt and then trigger another cycle of depression. And that is negative. And that is not me.

But if I look around at my life and see possibilities and challenges, then I've got a better than even chance of making something good come out of something bad. And isn't that the ultimate goal?

A bump in the road

I didn't stay in the hospital until my doctor released me. By far it was the worst hospital I have ever been in as far as organization. The physical conditions of the facility were fine. No problems or complaints. Since I checked myself in voluntarily I was able to check myself out against medical advisement, AMA. The staff did everything they could to keep me to stay.

To my surprise a few of the staff members were acquaintances. One, a class member from grad school. Another, a co-worker from the job I had just been fired from the week before. Needless to say I was uncomfortable.

I kept being mistaken for either one other patient or more than one. I'm not sure. One in particular was one with a protective order against him. I would be questioned about some kind of information only for it to not pertain to me or them to have it completely wrong. By the middle of the second day I began wanting to check out. After a bad experience with the therapist, with the support of my wife I checked out on the third night.

You could argue, "why not just stick it out until you get released?" Because the way inpatient works is this, you have a team that basically works off of notes from other team members in order to report to each other and the doctor. Much of the time they are discuss "you" without ever seeing "you." However, this "team" kept getting convinced I was another person and they were to report to my doctor who would make the final decisions. I would take my chances on my own.

But, as the saying goes, "that's how the cookie crumbles." Since I kept being mixed up with other patients everything I said kept saying was questioned and doubted. Unfortunately there may be a high price for me to pay for checking out. The attending dr. is the dr. I see on a regular outpatient basis. His policy is that if you checkout AMA without a very good reason he will drop you as a patient and he is my ticket to getting ECT. I have an appointment with him April 10th. I will have to wait until then and see if he decides to keep me.

In the event he does drop me there is one more psychiatrist here and then there is Mental Health of Oklahoma. I'm still committed to doing what it takes to aggressively get my bipolar treatment under control. I know stress plays a large role in my episodes. Not working right now will help and the job I was working was very stressful. Hopefully the financial strain doesn't replace that stress.

Much of March is a blur to me. I vaguely remember bits and pieces of it. But now, my is clear and my head is on straight. I know the things I am tired of; the things I want to change; the things I know that need to change. I know how tired I am. I'm finding myself once again having to take a step back and take a break. To get myself back together. In a sense I'm desperate.

It's a scary thing only remembering probably around 40% of a whole month with tiny snippets of visual mental photos in your mind. But I'm awake now and a bump in my road to finding an aggressive treatment is not going to discourage me. 

I am not my own hero

I recently went back to work from taking a leave of absence for a week. Before taking off I debated over the idea in my mind for a few days before discussing it with my boss. Taking and off and admitting I need it is not easy for me to do. For me, it's like saying, "I think I need a few days to lounge around my house and watch TV."

I'm grateful to have bosses who are understanding and who will go out of their way to accommodate me when I need something regarding my mental health. Even more grateful for who are understanding, patient, trustworthy and non-stigmatizing.

But I could feel my depression sink deeper and deeper and sense the need to be hospitalized. I know being hospitalized at some point in time is inevitable with bipolar. But if I can avoid it then I rather would. Besides, being hospitalized would have required more time off from work. Not to mention time away from my family. Nor are those psych hospitals like spas either.

I want to be "Normal"

I'm slightly broken.

No, I'm majorly broken. At least that's how I feel.

When we are born we are given a name. As we grow that name becomes entwined with our growing identity. Young adulthood brings with it its share of challenges as we struggle to figure out who we are.

But if you're diagnosed with a mental illness you're given another name. Contrary to what many people want us to believe, that it is not who you are I honestly believe that a person's diagnosis is a part of who they are. And as they struggle through the challenges of adapting to this new identity it becomes entwined with who they are. One of the greatest challenges of being bipolar is figuring out where one ends and the disorder begins.

I have written about many different topics in my blog. I have shared my opinions and thoughts. A few I have devoted to my struggles with being alienated from my children, my eating disorder, and yes my bipolar. But none like I am about to share with you now. Or even at the least if no one reads it, it is for me. I hope no one is discouraged from reading by the site of its length.

Bipolar undermines everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. Your successes, yours, or your mania's? Your failure's, yours, or your episodes? Are you accountable or do they owe their existence to your new identity?

I love my bipolar

I distinctly remember the day I started Lithium, the gold standard as a mood stabilizer for bipolar. After years of unpredictable moods and behavior accompanied with bouts of psychosis my mind went from a constant raging mesh of thoughts to quietness.

Lithium is by no means a cure all. Nor a guarantee that your episodes will cease. But it can minimize their frequency and severity. I tried for years a trial and error process of medication after medication to find the right combination as a treatment. Either something didn't work or the side effects dramatically affected my function ability.

For years I sought to find relief. Stability. For years my mind was loud. Then my mind became quiet. It was not something I was used to. Ironically, it was something I didn't like. The music had stopped that I heard many times. The background voices were silenced. It was like losing a group of friends that left me feeling alone. Quieting the inside noises tended to make the outside noises louder. It was something that took some getting used to. So much that I took the Lithium off and on for quite some time until I reached a point that I refuse to go off of it.

Before then I have wallowed in depression and soared through mania. Been resentful towards the pills I will have to take the rest of my life. But no matter how bad my life has ever felt or consequences I have put myself up against, I cannot remember a time ever wishing I did not have bipolar.

How, given the choices, could I possibly choose to battle these ups and downs of a disorder that makes my moods mercurial, my family shaking their heads, my friends wary and others gossiping which turns my life upside down with every changing cycle?

For as long as I can remember bipolar has been a part of me. It has affected every aspect of my life deeply. It alters your mind, playing evil tricks on it, creating false hope and false memories. Bipolar creates imaginary worlds to live in. Sometimes when you cannot deal with the real world's problems.

Much my adult life I have spent coping and figuring out how deal with negative consequences because of my uncontrollable behavior. My lows have been, at times, unbearably low landing me in hospitals on suicide watch. In my manic times, I have come very close to destroying everything I hold dear. I have had to face the reality of unmet goals.

However, I honestly believe that this bipolar allows me to see the world in ways I otherwise would have missed. Ways I think most "normal" people refuse to see. I find the beauty and calm in ordinary things. I feel more deeply, have more emotions, and have a better understanding of myself that I believe I would otherwise.

The creativity sparked by manic times allows me to create in ways that would not otherwise be possible Experiencing the 'absolutes' of emotions is something most people never get to really do. I see the world in colors and pictures. I see it in darks and lights.

Even though I have felt the sting of stigma and judgments, I have also been extended true compassion and forgiveness. Some things most take for granted or never experience. In spite of how many times I feel so alone, I have been that I truly am not alone.

With bipolar I used to believe life's obstacles were too much to bare because of how my own imperfections impended upon it. Over the years I have learned through trials and tribulations life is what you let God make of it, not what it makes of you.

I still experience mania and depression. They are something that are not going away. My last hospitalization was four years ago. I've lived on a roller coaster ride dragging my family behind me. Other than affecting them and the troubles I've gotten myself into, I wouldn't get rid of my bipolar ever. To do so, I would deprive myself of a world I see and emotions I feel that most are not privy to. And those imaginary worlds and false memories somehow become real of which I would have to say goodbye.

The dangers of nothing

Every now and then I'll focus a blog on my bipolar. It's such an engrained component of my being it can't be ignored. It deserves and craves as much attention as everything in my life. If not more. And this may not make sense. But bear in mind, I'm in a severe depression.

I never see them coming. The episodes. They sneak up. But when they make their presence known it's too late and I am at their mercy. You would think after 37 years by now I would be able to spot them a mile away. Maybe the brain just becomes too weak and unable to recognize them; depression, mania, hypo-mania and psychosis.

Today I feel nothing. I call it the Nothing Feeling. There is no happiness. No joy. No sadness. Not even depression. Absolutely nothing. Calling it depression gives it no justice. Today I do not want to exist. I don't want to die either.

Thinking is all but non-existent. Have you ever tried to think feeling nothing? It's impossible. What minimal thinking I can muster up is reduced to thinking how you don't want to do anything.

And that's what I do. Nothing. Exhaustion has set in and even rolling over in the bed I have secluded myself to is a chore. It is where I have spent most of the day with low music in the background. I listen to Standards 90% of time and it seems to fit the occasion. It's just to have something fill my mind.

Part 3; What marriage has taught me: The reality of grace.

In our world today "grace" can carry any number of definitions. It's something that I write about often on my blog. It's easier said than done and typically that's acceptable today. Because people need to earn our forgiveness before we give it. We've all heard the expression of some sorts, "Oh I've forgiven "them," but they better not...(you fill in the blank)." Shallow grace. Grace today is generally accepted with words and no action.

The answer to this is a "no brainer." Grace is hard. Grace involves action. Grace being vulnerable and at risk. Actions that makes you cringe at the thought of. Actions that let them off the hook and makes you look weak and gullible.

My definition: Forgiveness without justification.

And it's easier for us to view and accepts God's grace even though we never deserve it and never will. It's easier for us view God's grace as loving and trust that it will always be there. It's easy for us to take it for granted. It's almost impossible for us to see God weak and naive with His grace. Most of the time we accept His grace as if we deserve it.

The first three and a half years of my wife's and my marriage was rocky to say the least. Our devotion to each other was tested like nothing either of us had ever experienced. Our willingness to sacrifice individually was broken on many occasions. For much of that time I failed to extend my wife grace. My illogical reasons: I didn't receive grace. I didn't receive what I wanted or needed.

Marriage has taught me my wife is sometimes God's hands. Sometimes His teacher. Sometimes His mirror seeing my own reflection.

Who's Fault Is It?

For well over a year I tried to beat my alcoholism and my eating disorder on my own; by my own strength. Then it came to the point to where I was seriously contemplating going to an inpatient treatment center for both my diagnosis. And to make matters more difficult my bipolar only fueled both addictions. Then it came to the point to where the judge told me I was to quit drinking.

For the most part the no drinking wasn't so hard. I had a newly restored faith in God and a new appreciation for the things I have in my life. Becoming free from my eating disorder was another story. My bipolar had been in charge for the previous four years controlling much of my thoughts and beliefs. My behaviors.

For a few months after the year in mental health court which I was accountable to the court or face prison, I remained sober and fairly stable. However, a few months after graduating the program I relapsed with my bipolar and began rapid cycling for the next few months.

Hospitalized for suicidal depression and suicide attempt. Episodes of mania. Jail. Periods of complete insomnia accompanied with psychosis. And my most recent, a psychosis blackout that has landed me in trouble again.

Many times I have felt the shame of my mistakes that have left me disappointed in my example as follower of Christ. 

The Trouble with Bipolar Blackouts and Amnesia

I have come to realize that there are some portions of my life that I simply cannot remember. And that no matter how hard I try to fill in those gaps of lost time I will never succeed. I can lose spans of time of as little as a few hours or as much as up to a whole day. Stress seems to be the most likely trigger, rather it's stress of rapid cycling or external stress.

Blackouts are usually associated with alcohol. Then there are such things as blackouts from bipolar. I can disassociate from reality completely sober all the while functioning completely normal. You would never know my brain has dragged me into another place out of reality.

Most occasions I come back normal. Awoken unharmed with all my responsibilities successfully completed. But sometimes I'm at the mercy of my psychosis. I play a cat and mouse game. A follow the leader game. As if driven or lead by some strange force. Sometimes I awake after wandering off and in those times by God's grace I come to and am able to find my way home unharmed. I once awoke over 40 miles from my home with no recollection of why I travelled that distance. Another time over 130 miles away. Almost in another state. If there were any intentions I have yet to discover why, but for now it seems I just got into my vehicle and drove.

Grace To A Bipolar Husband

I know if you would've asked my wife five years if she had any kind of idea what she was getting herself into when she married me she could've looked at you with a, "What are you talking about" look on her face.

After multiple arrests where she swore to herself to leave me in jail, the loss of my driver's license, multiple late night outs, inappropriate friendships, angry outburst, financial burdens, alcohol abuse, two marriage counselors, manic and depressive episodes with suicidal ideations and suicide attempts followed by inpatient hospitalizations, at times on the brink of divorce, today I'm sure she could tell you a different story.

I am a bipolar spouse. I am also a bipolar spouse with a failed marriage and a (currently) extremely successful marriage (that wasn't always the case). My ex-spouse despised my bipolar in spite of the fact that it was under more control during our marriage. She hated everything about it. Even the site of my medications. It just did not fit into her world of a "perfect" marital relationship. So after years of her lack of support she walked.