See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...my fight against Parental Alienation/Interference

This is one of my long posts and I ask that you stick with me on this one. If you read just of one post on my blog I'm glad it's this one in particular. 

There is a textbook definition of parental alienation (PA) that doesn't give it justice. One that describes its many features as, "a set of behaviors that are harmful and damaging to a child's emotional and mental health involving the mental manipulation and/or bullying of the child to pick between their mother or father. It deprives children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents and extended family. A parent uses alienation/interference tactics to hurt the other "target" parent. They deny access to anything that may challenge their view of the other parent, including any photographs, or any form of communications." It most often occurs in high conflict divorces.

Its results...damaging psychological effects with severe opposition to contact with one parent and/or hatred toward such parent as a result.

Parental Alienation: Who's Best Interest?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate. — Thomas della Peruta

If you don't know what "parental alienation" is, you probably haven't had the pleasure of a divorce with children; let alone the war of a "high profile" custody dispute. Us veterans know exactly what it means--agony for a noncustodial parent and emotional problems for children alienated from a parent.

  

Parental alienation unfortunately, that is one of those topics that unless you yourself or you are close to someone who has experienced such a thing you probably have no idea what it is. It's one of those entities of a bigger issue that's been left out of attention. As child abuse we all know about physical abuse, sexual, mental, and emotional, but parental alienation rarely ever receives the spot light. Unfortunately, in spite of its little attention it is a form of child abuse with a higher rate of the physical forms.

As a result of both of my own children and step-children's experiences of parental alienation, that after two years later of the signing of papers, which mildly continues to this day, I petitioned the governor of my state for the proclamation of Parental Alienation Awareness Day, April 25th 2011. On March 31, 2011, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin signed my proclamation.

Pt. 2 Hated Father

*This is not anti-woman, mother, female or even ex-wives. It is anti-child abuse, gender bias, stigma, and parental alienation.

"Hello, my name is Michelle (fake name), I'm with the Child Protective Services (CPS) of Oklahoma Department of Health Services. Can I can come in for a few questions?"

After a year of my ex-wife conjuring up excuse after excuse to keep our kids from my visitations including at one point moving without telling me where for a few weeks. I had to track her and my kids down. This investigation became the first of 5 total investigations against me. That visitation, or intrusion, occurred three months after I remarried and three months before my ex-wife remarried.  I later discovered, during that investigation, that before we had even divorced, at the time her soon to be husband's mother had already been referring to my ex-wife's and my kids as "her" soon-to-be-grandkids and even had pictures of them.

My Reflections of Anorexia....National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

This week is designated National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAwareness) 2011, Feb 20-26 by the National Eating Disorders Association.

Their mission: "Our aim of NEDAwareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses — not choices — and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder."

Did you know as many as one million men in the US struggle with an eating disorder?  My masculinity is not measured or achieved by not telling my story of pain and struggles. More and more males are developing eating disorders these days. My fatherhood is not compromised by moments of weakness.

$2,500 on Happy Meals!

Every Sunday for six months it was McDonald's. My wife, my step-kids and I would load up in the car and drive for an hour and a half to Del City every weekend to have lunch at McDonald's for two hours from noon to 2pm. I got sick of McDonald's. But it was worth the $2,500.00.

Victims 1 & 2...aka "pawns"

To paraphrase, "He's dangerous. He's bipolar. One day he'll snap. He beats our kids. They are not safe. He gave them alcohol and exposed them to lewd acts. He has Parkinson's and is unable to care for our kids. They should be taken from him and given to me as if they are property to be decided in the divorce."

For months I stood there in disbelief in front the judge who is known for his intolerance. I stood there being watched by strangers while being accused of violent and vile crimes against my own children. While my loved ones waited in the lobby I stood in silence with only the support of a stranger who relied on monetary gain from me. While my accuser was allowed to freely paint a vivid portrait, no matter how fictitious it was, I was limited to answering the questions I was handed. At some point I learned the realization that in some situations the best way to fight is to defend.

Four roles, one Father....

Today, it's difficult to define the role of fathers and it's very much a case of 'ask ten people and you'll get eleven opinions'

An eleven year old son, a seven year old son and a five a year old daughter from a previous marriage. A twelve year old stepson. A ten year old stepdaughter. Two inside cats. And two outside dogs.  That's my home, on certain days of the week...certain days of the month and certain holidays of the year.

You go from father to divorced-father to single-father and "weekend-dad" with the probability of step-father with a second family. Each role has its own difficult challenges. There's this internal fight that constantly goes on inside you. It's more than a debate. It's a weighing of options. Internal conflicts.

You know you're a father. You constantly remind yourself you're a father. The fact that you're even in a position requiring you to remind yourself that you're a father makes you furious. The court now says you're a non-custodial parent. You're no longer gender identified. They could've at least left you your dignity and allowed you to keep the one identifier that made you stand out, set apart...your gender. Maybe the title of, "non-custodial father?"  Or better, "non-custodial Dad." Because after all, it's the father-child relationship that is the defining factor of the fatherhood role in life. A "Dad" does not have to be a child's biological father. Many children, as my own step-children, refer to their stepfather as dad.