I recently awoke from almost a
month's long sleep. At least that's what it feels like. But more precisely it
was an almost month's long psychosis of mixed episodes of depressions and
manias of my bipolar. It's why I went to the hospital last week.
As much as I try to remember the
past few weeks I just cannot do it. With the few snippets of images in my mind
that remain I try to retrace the few memories I have backwards from the pictures
but they never show up. Using those same images I try moving forward. Still, no
recall of any memory. There are no memories of conversations, of no talks or
any other verbal exchanges.
Try remembering before your birth
and describing it. You know you were alive but you can't remember it. Or try to
remember your years before turning three or. It can't be done. That's what it
feels like every time I blackout in psychosis. And each time it occurs they
last longer and closer in between.
It's hard to describe the feeling
of knowing you've said or done something that was hurtful; especially having
done something and you have absolutely no memory of it all. Things said and
done during psychosis are not so easily filtered by others.
The truth is, there will be
people whom you've hurt or wronged or scared so badly they won't want to
forgive you, or they won't be able to. It won't matter that you're psychotic.
I've learned all you can do is
offer an apology if you feel one is needed. If they can't accept it, you have
to accept that. But every action has consequences, and sometimes apologies or
even restitutions don't make everything better.
Messes. Look at the messes that
"I" never intended to make but have to pay the consequences and clean
up, as do those that get caught in their wakes. Burning bridges. You have to
put pieces together like a crime investigation before you can attempt to fix things.
It's the excesses that make
bipolar so fascinating to many people. Face it, depression isn't much fun to
watch. But mania...mania can be exhilarating. Exciting. Mania can be fun.
And that's from outsiders. Outsiders
can laugh at your goofy behavior. Your funny conversations. From inside, it's
either equally exciting or like being trapped in a living hell. At least while
it's happening. But when the ride is over...when the music stops...when reality
returns...when you wake up, you're the one left holding the bag. You're left
trying to figure where you have been and what all you have done. You're the one
who has to put the pieces back together, to try to make your life whole again.
And you have to do it despite not always being sure what really happened in the
first place.
I have been where I am today more
than once in the past but this time it is the hardest to deal with. I'm
seriously having a hard time accepting and dealing with the past month's
occurrences and actions because of my bipolar episodes; particularly my
episodes that of my psychosis.
I've been here before. Standing
here. Sitting here. Looking and listening. Watching. Half waiting while half
moving.
However, just because I'm having
a hard time dealing with my recent episode doesn't mean I'm in a state of
despair or feeling overwhelmed. I'm only in a moment of being upset. And quit
the contrary. I see the need for changes and I have a drive do whatever it
takes to find an aggressive treatment no matter what is thrown my way.
Waking up from an episode and/or
psychosis can be empowering. Fixing problems is all about attitude.
If I look around at my life and
see nothing but rubble, if I let my issues overwhelm me, I wallow in guilt,
then all my issues are likely to perpetuate more issues and more guilt and then
trigger another cycle of depression. And that is negative. And that is not me.
But if I look around at my life
and see possibilities and challenges, then I've got a better than even chance
of making something good come out of something bad. And isn't that the ultimate
goal?
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