A bump in the road

I didn't stay in the hospital until my doctor released me. By far it was the worst hospital I have ever been in as far as organization. The physical conditions of the facility were fine. No problems or complaints. Since I checked myself in voluntarily I was able to check myself out against medical advisement, AMA. The staff did everything they could to keep me to stay.

To my surprise a few of the staff members were acquaintances. One, a class member from grad school. Another, a co-worker from the job I had just been fired from the week before. Needless to say I was uncomfortable.

I kept being mistaken for either one other patient or more than one. I'm not sure. One in particular was one with a protective order against him. I would be questioned about some kind of information only for it to not pertain to me or them to have it completely wrong. By the middle of the second day I began wanting to check out. After a bad experience with the therapist, with the support of my wife I checked out on the third night.

You could argue, "why not just stick it out until you get released?" Because the way inpatient works is this, you have a team that basically works off of notes from other team members in order to report to each other and the doctor. Much of the time they are discuss "you" without ever seeing "you." However, this "team" kept getting convinced I was another person and they were to report to my doctor who would make the final decisions. I would take my chances on my own.

But, as the saying goes, "that's how the cookie crumbles." Since I kept being mixed up with other patients everything I said kept saying was questioned and doubted. Unfortunately there may be a high price for me to pay for checking out. The attending dr. is the dr. I see on a regular outpatient basis. His policy is that if you checkout AMA without a very good reason he will drop you as a patient and he is my ticket to getting ECT. I have an appointment with him April 10th. I will have to wait until then and see if he decides to keep me.

In the event he does drop me there is one more psychiatrist here and then there is Mental Health of Oklahoma. I'm still committed to doing what it takes to aggressively get my bipolar treatment under control. I know stress plays a large role in my episodes. Not working right now will help and the job I was working was very stressful. Hopefully the financial strain doesn't replace that stress.

Much of March is a blur to me. I vaguely remember bits and pieces of it. But now, my is clear and my head is on straight. I know the things I am tired of; the things I want to change; the things I know that need to change. I know how tired I am. I'm finding myself once again having to take a step back and take a break. To get myself back together. In a sense I'm desperate.

It's a scary thing only remembering probably around 40% of a whole month with tiny snippets of visual mental photos in your mind. But I'm awake now and a bump in my road to finding an aggressive treatment is not going to discourage me.