I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar
until I was twenty-four. Generally, most people with bipolar don't even show
symptoms until in their early twenties. But I had spent the previous few years
misdiagnosed with depression and obviously mistreated. And that was after
dealing with it in my childhood and teenage years. At the time of my correct
diagnosis I knew nothing of bipolar so I had nothing to prejudge it by. That
was in 1994.
Looking back I always get
aggravated at the dr. who finally diagnosed me. She said it in a "matter
of fact" tone and that was it. No explanation. Only minor basics. No
descriptions. There was no "ah ha!" moment because I had no idea what
she was talking about. A label means nothing without an explanation.
It wasn't until years later that
I sought real treatment for "this diagnosis." That was in 2000 when I
started going to our state mental health program.
I fought my treatment. I despised
my pills. I hated the idea of having to take them. I either hated the side
effects or the idea of knowing I'm going to have to take these handful of pills
for the rest of my life.
At times I enjoyed the hypomania,
the mania. I missed them when the meds worked.
It angered me when the meds
wouldn't work...when the depressions proved to be stronger. I cherished the
meds.
The meds were just as
unpredictable as I was.
I'm almost forty and I still get
angry over my bipolar. I think those of us with bipolar have a tendency to go
back and forth between acceptance and tolerance along with a few other feelings
in between.
Most everything can be tolerated.
But not everything can be accepted. Bipolar can be a relentless illness whose
symptoms inevitably and repeatedly return to torment its sufferers. One can
quickly move from acceptance to "fed up" in the blink of an eye.
The return of suicidal thoughts serves
only as a reminder of how low this disorder can take you down by its
overpowering strength. Those outrageously high credit card bills that come in
at the end of the month remind you of how controlling this disease can be. How
could anyone accept this?
There can be a fine line between
acceptance and tolerance. Sometimes there is just a position of accepting to
tolerate.
I've gotten myself into a lot of
trouble because of my bipolar. I can go through a lot of hurt and pain because
of my bipolar. I can see a lot of excitement and adventure because of my
bipolar. As with everything else in this life it has its ups and downs. Its
pros and cons. Its positives and negatives.
As with any diagnosis, receiving
one of bipolar can be bittersweet and after all my years living with it I've
come to realize that there is no true acceptance. At least not for me. At times
I do all I can just to tolerate it. Other times, I just accept to tolerate it. I
accept the fact that it is here and it's here to stay. It always has been.
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