Who's Fault Is It?

For well over a year I tried to beat my alcoholism and my eating disorder on my own; by my own strength. Then it came to the point to where I was seriously contemplating going to an inpatient treatment center for both my diagnosis. And to make matters more difficult my bipolar only fueled both addictions. Then it came to the point to where the judge told me I was to quit drinking.

For the most part the no drinking wasn't so hard. I had a newly restored faith in God and a new appreciation for the things I have in my life. Becoming free from my eating disorder was another story. My bipolar had been in charge for the previous four years controlling much of my thoughts and beliefs. My behaviors.

For a few months after the year in mental health court which I was accountable to the court or face prison, I remained sober and fairly stable. However, a few months after graduating the program I relapsed with my bipolar and began rapid cycling for the next few months.

Hospitalized for suicidal depression and suicide attempt. Episodes of mania. Jail. Periods of complete insomnia accompanied with psychosis. And my most recent, a psychosis blackout that has landed me in trouble again.

Many times I have felt the shame of my mistakes that have left me disappointed in my example as follower of Christ. 

Habits are hard to break, but harder to forget

You can think about your problem any way you like, pretend it isn't there, or you can face the truth and acknowledge its existence. Either way, the reality of your problem will still be there. You just have more power to make your situation better if you face it.

Usually, facing the truth of a difficult situation is a short term pain than most people anticipate. It can hurt like a sucker punch, but then comes the best part. You get the chance to move forward with your life, leaving behind a dirty piece of baggage that you've been dragging around behind you. As long you keep trying to dress up that piece of baggage and keep it with you, it's going to keep weighing you down.

Food is easy to become my adversary. Anorexia can easily become my baggage. Anorexic behaviors are obviously way more than just bad habits, they are habit forming. They are rituals.

I was familiar with the notion that an eating disorder is like a tumor in that it has the potential to sneak up some time in the future after recovery has become well set in. Reality says that it will more than likely do so to some degree from time to time in the future. I have found that reality.

Perfectly Broken...

A priceless perfume falls to the floor, scattered in brokenness. It had been a wedding gift to be poured out upon her new husband's feet. It's her very own dowry. Her statement of complete love and devotion. In disbelief she was criticized. Her actions or inflictions are not revealed to us, but they knew them. They knew what she had been doing. They knew her story. No matter it was she had reach point; brokenness. Whatever the burdens, whatever the pains and hurts were, she couldn't carry them anymore. She faced two choices: stay wasted or find restoration. Walking into that room was like walking into a den of vipers. But it's there she finds that her brokenness is necessarily painful; that it was His gift. When facing our personal brokenness, any hope of restoration often eludes us. It seems safer to accept the loss -- unaware of God’s hand in brokenness.

Your Stigma, Your Weakness...My Label, My Strength

Your Stigma, Your Weakness...My Label, My Strength

Just Making You Aware!!

You're solar, bipolar 
Panic disorder 
Seems harder and harder and harder 
Still you try to control it 
You're a symptom superficial 
To what they call knowing you 
Minus the speed, 
Could you imagine the phobia? 

"X-Amount Of Words"... lyrics, Blue October

Sleeping Beauty is popping pills and is an addict who could benefit from NA or AA. Picocchio is anorexic who suffers from body dismorphic disorder and can't stop getting his nose done. Betty Boop suffers from self-esteem issues because of her speech impediment and works the streets of Beverly Hills.  

Fred Flintstone is dyslexic. Popeye is in serious need of anger management classes. Tom and Jerry haven't come out of the closet yet. Bugs Bunny is a womanizing sex addict. Batman and Robin are tights wearing transvestites who shack up together. Charlie Brown is in need of an antidepressant, but at least he's trying; he's seeing a shrink! And Spongebob...well, he's just plain retarded.

My Reflections of Anorexia....National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

This week is designated National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAwareness) 2011, Feb 20-26 by the National Eating Disorders Association.

Their mission: "Our aim of NEDAwareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses — not choices — and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder."

Did you know as many as one million men in the US struggle with an eating disorder?  My masculinity is not measured or achieved by not telling my story of pain and struggles. More and more males are developing eating disorders these days. My fatherhood is not compromised by moments of weakness.

The Problems with Forgiveness

The problem with forgiveness.

Problems with forgiveness? That just seems unfathomable. Forgiveness is freedom for the forgiver and the receiver. Forgiveness is releasing. One hundred percent of the time our forgiveness is waiting upon our forgiving. There is power in forgiveness.

Those weights are lifted off our shoulders and the steps we walk are lightened. We see things differently, in a new light. Our expectations from others are no longer self-serving. We no longer seek to have our voids filled from others. And trying to fill our voids is draining. They never get filled.

Christ said, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” He knew we are not capable of carrying around the weights of hurts and offenses for long. He knew they would suffocate our joy and peace. He knew they would hinder our relationship with Him and block our prayers from being answered. He knew and strongly taught the dependence of our sins being forgiven depended upon us forgiving others.

Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin

Thank you falettinme be mice elf agin

"Thank you for the party, But I could never stay

  Many thangs is on my mind, words in the way"

"Thank you for letting me be myself again"...a number one hit in 1969 and one of the most influential funk songs of all time by Sly and the Family Stone. The title sums up the bands career from 1960 to 1970. It's was Sly's message of appreciation to anyone who could hear his voice. Sly and the Family Stone is known for being the first racially integrated band in music history, spreading their message of peace, love and social consciousness. It was Sly and the Family Stone that stepped out and were the first to fuse differing genres together such as rock, soul, pop, and jazz that was soon to become R&B and funk.

"Mama's so happy

  Mama start to cry

  Papa still singin'

  You can make it if you try"

Sly and the Family Stone band was an interracial, mixed-gender combo that burst onto the music scene in 1967. Sly was a flamboyant man, not afraid to wear gold jump-suits with large hats that dangled with tassels. I guess it can be said he literally "danced to the beat of his own drum." He wasn't afraid to be himself and he gave us much more. Thank you Sly Stone for being yourself. Because of you, we have Miles Davis, Prince, Stevie Wonder, Red Hot Chili Peppers, John Mayer, Michael Jackson, the Black Eyes Peas, and oh gosh I can't name all of them. Because you were you, we still hear you today. Wow! Sly Stone almost defines true authenticity. Unfortunately the band broke up in the late 70's after having to scrape up the funds to pay for their last show booking at Radio City Music Hall. Many things can be said of Sly, but if all is forgotten except one, it can be this, Sly refused to deny himself of whom he was and who he could be. It just wasn't in him. His music, his lyrics, his sound, his band and its composition were all extensions of who he was.

Sly wasn't without his problems or critics, such as albums being labeled as "too dark and political." He received scathing criticisms from music critics and record companies.

"Youth and truth are makin' love

  Dig it for a starter

  Dyin' young is hard to take

  Sellin' out is harder"

                                                        

I wrote of the masked face in Parkinson's the other day and how it doesn't reflect what someone is feeling on the inside. After the question "name that tune" for Thank You was posed on Facebook I got to wondering how much of an extent or how many people stop being who they are because of a diagnosis. Will I let my Parkinson's define me? Do we eventually lose sight of who we are and get lost in a diagnosis or disorder? No matter the diagnosis. Do we sell out to our diagnosis/disorder? Sometimes we nourish our disorder into our identity such as my previous struggle with an eating disorder. I'm sure we all do, but to what extent and what cost? I mean, we're in a fragile state, right? Maybe, and if so then how much? Do we then need the helping hands of another to guide us back to where we were? Wow, a lot of questions to ponder.