Poems I want to share

Although I deal with it constantly I have only focused on my bipolar once in my blog. I know I've mentioned it here and there. But devoting a post specifically to it isn't the same. Here lately it seems it's all I can think about whether I like it or not.

Rather than write like my traditional posts I wanted to share with you some of my pasts poems. Some that are fitting with how I feel today.

I Need To Say Goodbye

I need to say goodbye. I have to go now.

I'm sure I will be back someday.

If you see myself somewhere tell me I miss me.

And if it's not too late tell me that I can stay.

Please ask me why I always have to go away.

I know my goodbye was so short and I am sorry.

The lights were just too bright for these two eyes.

I need to draw back and retreat into the darkness

of a world I know.

A world of pains disguise where I hide myself,

it suffocates my cries.

I hate this pounding; it's so loud I cannot hear me.

Why do demons wish to kill me inside?

My mind cannot suffer through this life of pain much longer.

If I cannot breath again then I rather die.

With every beat I clench my fists and scream out, "Why?"

The pain has grown now to engulf my numbing body.

The blood throbbing to burst out of my skull,

pressing my face against the floor.

I try to free me.

from this blinding, spinning, stabbing, pounding hell.

Pain has bound me to its everlasting cell.

I feel possessed by pains pressure on my soul, grasping, reaching for the unaffected me.

Screaming aloud the blood escapes my weighing eyelids.

I know I lost the battle towards becoming free.

At least I had the chance to say goodbye to me.

Am I Real

I never meant to come on so strong.

I never meant that you were wrong.

Just sometimes it's so hard to speak.

Straight from the heart, I feel so weak.

My words don't flow as others will.

I hide behind this wall so real.

I speak at times without my mind.

Take risks of losing the truly kind.

I fear what most come to see.

They're braver than I'll ever be.

Trust is but a heavy load.

For me a long and scary road.

Should I reveal my heart to thee?

Remain a stranger, a mystery?

Reach out to you with a soulful desire?

Give you a certain power?

For should I be who you so choose

And must accept who's in these shoes.

Your key to love is not in me...

But within our hearts as an entity.

Now I must ask

Once you've touched my heart

Will you close the door?

Tear me apart?

All these leave me afraid

For many times my heart has paid

Not to seem a bitter cold

For with my "dream" will I grow old.

I need one who can sense the "whole"

Go beyond the surface of my soul.

To know that life's not what we see

Yet more, what it can truly be.

For am I real you ask of me?

Yes...

Though I am a dreamer

With a need to be free.

Not free from commitment

Nor bonds of devotion...

Though free to show

My true emotion.

I Want to Cry

I want to cry because

My highs aren't happiness

My lows aren't true sorrow

My feelings are not real

I want to cry because

I have a label

Bipolar, Mental, Psycho

No longer a person

I want to cry because

My racing thoughts

My irrational fears

Were manias, not nightmares?

I want to cry because

I don't want to live like this

I don't want to fight like this

I don't want to be different

I want to cry

But can't

Because I don't have real tears

Shadows

I feel the darkness coming

Like a breeze against my skin

It's going to take me over

I know I cannot win

I try to rationalize this somehow

As I am balled up in my bed

The covers comfort me

They hide me from my brains sin

As my mind is screaming

The shadows they appear

I am swallowed once again into blackness

Paralyzed with fear

I feel so very numb inside

Sadness has its grip

I am so very weary

Of these shadows in my head

Sadness

How deep in my being it bleeds

But the mask I try to wear

To shun off any needs

Is not good enough

I breathe and cry

And cry and breathe

Each breathe I take

Is another cry to be

To be someone

Who would that be?

To laugh and smile

Would that be the death of me?