I recently went back to work from
taking a leave of absence for a week. Before taking off I debated over the idea
in my mind for a few days before discussing it with my boss. Taking and off and
admitting I need it is not easy for me to do. For me, it's like saying, "I
think I need a few days to lounge around my house and watch TV."
I'm grateful to have bosses who
are understanding and who will go out of their way to accommodate me when I
need something regarding my mental health. Even more grateful for who are
understanding, patient, trustworthy and non-stigmatizing.
But I could feel my depression
sink deeper and deeper and sense the need to be hospitalized. I know being
hospitalized at some point in time is inevitable with bipolar. But if I can
avoid it then I rather would. Besides, being hospitalized would have required
more time off from work. Not to mention time away from my family. Nor are those
psych hospitals like spas either.
I hated the thought of asking for
time off from work. I don't like the idea of others picking up the slack and
extra work I leave behind. It makes me feel like I bail from my
responsibilities. It makes me feel like I am weak.
But on the other hand, I need to
stay out of the hospital. With rest; with an addition of another medication and
with time to do things I enjoy, my mind can begin to refocus. It can take time
to not think. It's a precaution method that can keep my mind from going into
protective mode as well as suicidal. If my mind goes into protective mode I
take the risk of blacking out for any unknown period of time. And that, well,
has lead to trouble in the past. Even more so has being suicidal winding up in
the ER, ICU and then admitted to a psych hospital in the long run anyway.
This was the first time I had
taken off from work to deal with an episode. Normally I would attempt to push
through severe episodes which never turned out in my favor. Adding more stress
only prolongs the depression or mania. Besides, my coworkers had already
noticed in the previous weeks that something was wrong; asking if I was ok and
what was the matter.
It's difficult for me to face up
to the fact when I am weak. The truth is, I know that I am in many ways. I know
this. I am human. And in many instances I don't have a problem asking for help.
But when it comes to my bipolar it's a whole different story. Much of the time
I feel it's in control. It's the unwillingness to admit that I am at its mercy.
So I have this super hero complex.
It's not flattering and it
doesn't come with any special super powers. It's just me, in a homemade cape of
illusion, trying to be something I was never created to be: my own hero.
I've been this way for as long as
I can remember, however skewed that memory may be. In many ways, it's people
pleasing turn inward. I rush to make my environment "better," but
pride and exhaustion always prevail. I subconsciously, with anxiety, attempt to
make my external environments under control thinking that if they are then
somehow my own mind will be at ease.
The truth is, I can't possibly be
a superhero. I am far too limited and far too weak.
Having a superhero complex also
has additional complexities. You begin to hold people around you to the same
irrational standards you hold yourself. While you set yourself up to fail, you
simultaneously set others to fail with you.
It's disappointing, to realize
you've been so focused on chasing unattainable goals, that you've left yourself
no room to grown and evolve in your own life. I don't have any flawless answer
to the hero complex. And I'm almost 40yrs old and up until now I refused to
admit a need for help when a situation arises with my bipolar other than seeing
my doc for medication needs.
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