Wish I had learned an invaluable
lesson years ago. I'm trying to learn it now but I've always proven to be too
hard headed. Too stubborn. The irony is that I've always fooled myself into
thinking that I was the one taking charge.
Lately I have been having hard
time dealing with my bipolar. I'm not referring to its symptoms, but the coping
and dealing. I cycle so unpredictably. It gets the best of me and it is wearing
me out. I'm tired from it mentally, physically and even spiritually. It's
exhausting. What's worse is that it seems to worsen with each episode.
Scripture says that the truth
will set us free. It seems to me not applying everything of this wisdom from life's lessons learned is
enough. I knew the truth years ago that whatever we focus on we become. It's
the truth. But it hasn't set me free.
Do we all not know that E=Mc2?
It's a fact. It's the truth. Now can you pass an advanced physics class and
explain the concepts of mass-energy equivalences? Just knowing a truth is not
enough.
I'm learning this simple truth is
teaching me a great deal. Wherever we put our energies or our attention, those
things will develop. Another way I like to say it is, "Where the mind
goes, the man follows!"
Always in the past if I began to
think about alcohol, I would soon find myself in some way pursuing alcohol. My
thoughts will stir my desires and emotions, and I will make the decisions to
follow them.
If I focus only on the negative
things in my life that revolve around my bipolar, I become negative. Everything
including conversations, becomes negative. I soon lose my joy and live
miserable....and it all starts with my own thinking.
We should choose our thoughts
carefully. Rarely we do. We can think about what is wrong with our lives or
about what is right with them. We can think about what is wrong with all the
people we are in relationships with or we can see the good and focus on that.
"At least I'm not..."
is the accursed slogan of the beggar.
"Who
am I to complain?" is the accursed slogan of the rich man.
And there are two sides of the
same coin, because as soon as you accept one, you're chased down by the other.
At least I'm not a deadbeat dad.
Therefore, who am I to complain about the emptiness of only seeing my children
by visitation? My children are miracles because technically I'm unable to
produce children and three were lost
.
At least I'm not living in an
assisted home being taken care of like a child. Therefore, who am I to complain
about the pain in my world because of bipolar?
I only take ten pills a day to
attempt to keep my episodes at bay. Therefore, who am I to complain about the
inconvenience when I am not on something such as chemo.
We, at least I, tend to end up
defining ourselves in the negative. "At least I'm not" and "Who
am I to" are both statements of negation instead of the affirmative that
would be "I am..."
These are truths and just knowing
them aren't enough. It takes understanding and accepting them to be free.
Light exists. Darkness is only
the absence of light and is unable to exist in and of itself.
Heat exists. Coldness is only the
absence of heat and it does not exist in and of itself.
Love exists. Isolation is only
the absence of love and it does not exist in and of itself.
It's hard to admit the
affirmative truths about our existence, whether it's stuff we like or stuff we
don't like.
I am bipolar
I do take medication.
I do only see my children on a
visitation schedule.
It's not how I'd like it, but at
least it's something to work with.
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