How far?

I always hated the terms or ideas of "victim," "suffering," from bipolar or any other mental illness. I've always held the belief that if someone holds onto those idealizations they make themselves weak. That they see themselves at the mercy of what has a hold of them.

But until here recently I have begun to see things differently. And it has all been as a result of my own life and how it continues downhill. I still don't see myself as being weak or at the mercy of my bipolar. However, witnessing it to continue to worsen and become more unpredictable only leaves me to believe that more has to be done than what already is before everything I have is gone.

Recent job loss, almost lost my wife, another black out, another blow up fight, loss of friends, the suicidal depression and mania. All of which occurs while fully compliant with my medications.

I think one of the things that hurts the most is when people know you are bipolar and they believe they are ok with it until they actually see it in you. That's when they leave.

I have less than an hour then I will check in at the psychiatric hospital in my town. It's definitely not the first time I've been hospitalized. Not the first time voluntarily either. Think this is my eighth time. Honestly, my hopes are not up because the only goal is to become stable and then get out. It happens every time.

The problem is that my bipolar continues to get worse. So I could get stable in two days, get out on the third, and on the fifth be psychotic.

My actual goal: To get ECT, electroconvulsive therapy. It's not done here in my town. Just a larger city a couple of hours away. I know it's not a miracle. Nor magic. Or even a cure. I hear wonders about it. And I'm tired. Tired of fighting every day.