We did not have a formal wedding. We married at the courthouse. But our
vows were just the same and just as real. Vows of forever and of love. We knew
remarriages were tough and risky. We knew blending families would be harder.
What we didn't know was how much harder the future held.
My ex-wife attacked me attempting to remove my children from life. My
wife's ex-husband attempted to take their children. Both consisted of multiple
false child abuse investigations. She reacted in her way with anger
frustration. I reacted in my way with alcohol and an eating disorder. We both
grew apart.
The distance grew longer, and the hurt grew deeper. We lived without
living at all.
We moved through our marriage with scuffs and wounds. With cutting open
old wounds. I focused on her weaknesses. But not for her benefit. I focused on
how I was deprived. What I she wasn't giving.
Life gave us battles that left us on the defense. Life gave us
distractions - some beautiful and precious - some evil and malicious, we focused
on them, not each other. She closed her heart to most of me, and I resented
her. I made myself distant. We put up
walls.
Walls for safety, to keep each other out, built for the purpose of
protection while desperately wanting to be let in to each other's walls only
when it was safe. These walls were supposed to offer safety, all I felt was
alone. I heard the emptiness fill our home, just big enough for me and no one
else.
"It's better this way, just me. I'm safer without anyone else in
here," I would convince myself of this. So I continued to build. Not too
big. "I don't want people thinking they can come and stay."
Brick by brick the walls went up with each let down; each
disappointment. With each hurt. Each brick was placed with the hopes it would
give each other some safety from the hurt.
Years after I laid that first brick, I looked at her. I saw the walls
between us. My walls. Her walls. Walls that I had built with care, their
intention, protection, had instead become isolation. For the first time I saw
the walls for what they were: a prison. A prison of my own making, intended to
keep me safe, had only kept me alone, only kept me from what I truly wanted.
Redemption. Forgiveness. Reconciliation. Relationship. My wife. None of which I
deserved.
I imagined what it would be like to tear down the walls. Both of our
walls. To stand next to her with nothing but air between us. "I can't, I
thought. "I can't destroy these walls. It would leave me vulnerable, but "God
I don't want them anymore. I don't care how they come down, tear them down
brick by brick. Tear them down because I don't want them anymore. I'm too
scared to take them down myself."
Eventually the walls crumbled. Some in large pieces. Some mostly brick
by brick. Each brick represented a certain threat. I looked at the bricks. At
each brick. "You didn't protect me. You didn't keep me safe. I built you. But
God tore you down. You weren't strong enough. You weren't as strong as you
pretended to be. No, you didn't protect me, you only harmed me."
Her walls remained standing. They didn't collapse just because mine
did. Just like mine her walls didn't just keep her in, they kept me out. That
was their intentions. My walls were no longer in the way of seeing her. My
walls could no longer obstruct my view. So often I peaked over her walls.
"What is she hiding? What is she not saying? Hey, you in there, my walls
have been torn, why won't you come out?"
I peaked over her walls and saw my walls. Like a place I had felt so
comfortable. The walls were identical to my walls. The bricks must have been from
the same pile. They were engraved with the same threats.
I didn't have to peak over her walls anymore. I could see through them
but couldn't get through them. I could see how each made her feel. How they
were threatening. They were the same for me.
My walls were gone and I was free. I no longer looked over my shoulders
for enemies. I could no longer ask God to fix her. I could no longer wish her
to change my benefit or to make me happy. I couldn't because I knew. I couldn't
because I gave her the bricks that built her walls. I knew how each brick made
me hurt. How each brick left me disappointed and angry.
I was free to see she needed my grace. But I couldn't tear down her
walls. I wasn't even strong enough to tear down my own walls. But I knew who
could and would. But only when she was ready.
God destroyed my walls as my prayer "Change her, Lord" to
"Change me, Lord." He showed me I had never had been praying for my
wife. I had been praying for me. For what I wanted. But we will only see
results when intercession comes from the right motives.
I couldn't tear down her walls, but the One I knew who could showed me
how He would. I had to learn the strengths of my weaknesses. I had to minister
to both her and our family. God showed me where she needed my grace. I had to
love her the way she needed to be loved. I had to intercede for her.
It was God in His perfect plan who in our marriage used each of us to
bring us closer without our walls. God used my wife to help me see what God has
called me to be in our marriage, our family, our relationship. It was only by
seeing and accepting these truths could I intercede for her.
Oh I loved this blog! I love you and how our relationship and love has grown. You are my partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and everything I already knew you were.
ReplyDeleteGod has blessed me with you.