I
have been so busy lately that I have not been able to give attention to the
part 2 of this series. I've received a new position at my place of employment.
I have been focused on school as the semester winds down. I've tried to
maintain consistent involvement with Celebrate Recovery. And there are the
issues in my home; a son transitioning from a tween to a teen, dealing with a
daughter with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Much of the time that I am able to
give to myself alone consists of attempts at gathering my thoughts and catching
my breath for the next responsibility.
I'm
at a crossroads today. As this semester winds down I find the drive for my
desire to finish school and pursue a career in the field of psychology has
dwindled to down to nothing. I even find myself apathetic to the work and even
the idea of graduating. Yet I have no idea what to pursue for my future. God
says He has plans for me. "Plans to prosper and not for harm. So
should I worry about my future?"
We
all know the cliché, "Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever do."
I
can't just sit back and expect God to handle everything. Of course not. I do
have my part to fulfill. And at the same time I must still focus on the here
and now and not lose sight of my main calling, what God has called me to do. My
first and most important responsibility. That is the calling of my first
ministry. My marriage. My wife. My children. Far too often this responsibility
goes overlooked in spite of the fact it is something I worry about on a daily
basis.
Not
to often do people think of a husband's family as a ministry. "Paul
instructs us husbands to love our wives as Christ loved the church as he gave
himself for it" (Eph 5:25).
Christ's whole purpose was to love the church as his own wife. His life
consisted of ministering to the soon to be church. He also instructs us to live
with our wives giving them honor (1 Pet 3:7). Our first priority is our wife. Even
when I would rather receive I must still give.
You could
assume that this 37 year old man who is
married to my beautiful wife would be able to share with you the intimate
secrets to having a perfect marriage or perfect little children. One that I
happily see every opportunity to serve as an outflow of my undying devotion.
But
I'm going to disappoint you. My wife and I don't have a perfect marriage. Most
of the time we do not see eye to eye. And quite frankly there are times I would
rather receive than give. And my children probably couldn't associate any of my
behavior and love as attributions of Jesus. But I'm human. And we husbands are
called to be the very example of Christ to our families. We are called with an
extra portion of accountability. We are not given the excuse as Adam did and
blame our wives or even our children when things go wrong.
My
wife and I have been put through some of the most thorny trials. A few times
the word "divorce" had been thrown around in the heat of an argument
but always from the bottom of our emotions and feelings. The trials and attacks
would be enough to make most couples bail out on each other. However, the
single factor that has kept us married for these years was that we always agreed
on one thing: Divorce would never be an option for us.
Many
men, if not most men of today, desire positions of authority. To be the boss at
their place of employment. To be able to call the shots. To win and be better
than the next person. Today men make better employees than they do at being a
husband and father. We will go to work practically on our death bed while at
the same time expect to be waited on hand and foot in the midst of our ailments
within our own homes.
I came across a quote today that keeps
jogging around my brain. It inspires me. It's the truth. It the very essence of
the gospel. "It is never too late to
be what you might have been."--George Eliot
Today,
I don't know where I'm going or what I am headed for. But what I do know is
that I have opportunity be an example. That it is never too late. An example of
trusting God when you have no idea is ahead of you. An example of what God can
do with what is behind you. An example of humble faith.
Family-ministry can't be something we
just try to get others to do at church; it has to be something we live out in
our own families first for many reasons.
Today it concerns me how my wife and
my children view me. What do my kids see when they look at me? Do they see a
father who pursues God, who shares his faith with others, who genuinely worships,
who is sacrificial in serving others? Unfortunately I do fall short in many
areas of being an example. And for years I was an example not to be followed.
I realize I'm not perfect and they
will at a point begin to pick apart the struggling areas of my life, but
overall what do my wife and kids see? Will they see a man serving God and doing
his best to teach others by actions and words, but fail to see how it all
connects with every aspect of his personal life? The last I would want is for
them see a follower of Jesus on Sundays, but man of the world Monday through
Saturday.
My marriage and family are my first
ministry. My wife and I were both planned for God's pleasure. A man once asked
Jesus, "What's the most important commandment?" To which He replied, "I can summarize the entire Bible in
two statements: Love God and other people!" (Mat 22:36-39). This
includes my spouse.
Life is about relationships, not
achievements. Serving God is when I love and sacrifice for my spouse. Read
Romans 12 to find how it applies to your marriage. That brings pleasure to God.
My relationship with my wife is not based on scores or looking perfect. It's
about showing her unconditional love and grace. I don't love her for what she
accomplishes.
My wife and were formed for God's family.
It's a wonderful promise God made for when believers gather: "For where two or three have gathered
in My name, I am in their midst" (Mat 18:20). God is already in our
marriage working to transform the two of us into a purpose driven family.
My marriage and family is a place for
learning and teaching how to love like Jesus loves. Within marriage, God has
created an opportunity for us to develop real authenticity with another human
being. And this I present to my children.
With
what am I filling my heart and, in turn, my children? Better yet, with what am
I not?
I'm afraid that in the past the
answers to these questions aren't pretty. I'm a recovering alcoholic and all
the bad things that go with it. I fed my heart with bitterness and anger. I
fueled my depression and manic episodes with alcohol. I landed myself in
trouble on more than one occasion. Those were the kind of things I was filling
my heart with. Not with what God has to offer. Not His presence. Not His love
or grace. By His grace, I am today.
I have learned the two obstacles to parents
attempting to live out their faith.
1. Parents themselves are not at a
place spiritually where they have a faith that's worth passing on.
2. They really don't know how to be
spiritual leaders in their home nor what it looks like practically.
Even worse, we parents can be guilty
of showing one side of our personality at church and another at home. I wonder,
what a child does when his parents scream, yell and swear at each other at
home, but raise hands in worship at church? Successfully we teach and train
them to act one way at school but another at home. Our kids see that and learn
to imitate. They see how faith doesn't always influence what goes on during the
week, and they adopt that "faith" exactly.
We parents cannot impress Deuteronomy
6 on our children unless we ourselves first impress it upon ourselves. If our
own faith is visible in every area of our life when our kids graduate from high
school, they will not also graduate from the church.
No one pursuing a career or education
or in the ministry tells themselves, "You know, I prefer to build
resentment in my family while serving others."
How often do we flex instead of
protecting our spouse, our family priorities and boundaries? I can't proclaim
that I myself am free from this. I'm learning today. Learning to love my wife
as Christ loves the church. I'm learning to show my faith and discipline as my
Heavenly Father does. But I admit I can be hard headed at times while other
times I naive or blind. Even deaf to His words.
Together, my wife and I were both
shaped for serving God. And how we treat each other embeds a lasting imprint in
our children's minds shaping their heart and spirits. Teaching them.
Our children need a model. No matter
what, we are a model. But we really have to care about what's going on in our own
hearts and that of our spouses. Not just saying we care, but care enough to make necessary shifts in our
families.
Hi Lupe!
ReplyDeleteA great article there on marriage and relationships.To be honest, I am not married and have no children and I know how many are thinking about that.I always get the question why? This isn´t that easy to answer as there are a lot of factors which have to be put together which makes the marriage possible and I believe in God´s leading here.
Honest insight on marriage. It has been carefully written too. No rant or rave. Just a statement and firm believe in His intentions. God bless you.
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