Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Consequences, Dominoes, & Chains

Everything in life has consequences. Some good. Some bad. Consequences are like dominoes. Chain reactions. One leads to another and one never stands alone.

I am no stranger to consequences. They are just part of the package that comes along with being bipolar.

As of yesterday I am now a felon. Sometimes the law is too black and white. At least that's my opinion. Opening a door and sitting down in the front the seat of a stranger's car while in a psychosis will obviously still get you deemed guilty of burglary. There's going to be consequences.

My recent job loss has left me seeking employment at the same time I was found guilty. Though not impossible, but finding a job will be much harder. Most companies run background checks today. Domino effect.

The longer it takes for me to find a job the longer a financial strain it puts on my family. Domino effect. All from the beginning consequence of a bipolar psychosis.

Consequences; we all know what it means. It's defined as, the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier.

Life means managing uncertainty, moving ahead in the face of doubt. Bipolar, or any other mental illness, has already started a sense of apprehension that the world may not be the way it seems to the senses. The worst conviction has been upheld. We beat ourselves up more than anyone else comes after us when we do wrong.

For someone with a mental illness, one has to question fundamentally the notion of the way they perceives things to be. It strikes at the most profound sense, the sense of certainty, the belief in the assurance we can trust our thoughts. Unlike others, mentally ill have to second guess themselves. This is how doubt sets in.

Yes, we do. "Did I really mean what I said to my spouse?" "Maybe I don't care anymore what happens to me." The doubts are endless.

All consequences come with conviction. No matter if psychosis was involved or not. And like the well, the mentally ill cannot dwell in a place of shattered conviction. Those diagnosed have to get on with life. But, it is not without a price paid. Questioning one's sanity is to question something of substance and familiarity, a fact, not merely some intellectual exercise one entertains, then puts aside. You can't put aside psychosis, it doesn't work that way. Instead, psychosis puts you aside.

For the mentally ill, moving on, passing a defining moment and proceeding on with life is about being given second chances. Being restored to mental health is to never face life again in exactly the same manner as before. It's about being moved emotionally by what to others may be the mundane. It's about clarity of vision lost on those who have never had to doubt themselves.

As for me, how do I deal with becoming a felon when technically I did nothing wrong? After all, the consequences of my psychosis will dramatically affect not only my life but the lives of family as well.

I am hopeful. I find comfort in the fact that I purposely did nothing. I can't live my life beating myself up and continue placing myself on trial finding myself guilty. To do so would be to remain locked in a self convicting attitude. To do so wouldn't let me move forward. I would continually be trapped back in that courtroom.

So I have to face my consequences head on. Whether I truly am guilty or not. I move on and live my life. 

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Where my inspiration comes from

A Recycled-Dad with Bipolar & Parkinson's, reflections on fathering and family life and other stuff thrown in'll love my Soap Box Rants

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Why I call myself a Recycled Dad

I call myself a Recycled Dad because of the struggles with remarriage and being a step-parent and weekend dad. This is also about my life living with bipolar and how it affects me personally, my family and my job. It also reflects on the grace God has poured out on me throughout recovery from alcohol and an eating disorder. Recycled Dad is about my reflections on the wisdom God teaches daily on fatherhood and being a better husband in spite of being bipolar.

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