Everything in life has
consequences. Some good. Some bad. Consequences are like dominoes. Chain
reactions. One leads to another and one never stands alone.
I am no stranger to consequences.
They are just part of the package that comes along with being bipolar.
As of yesterday I am now a felon.
Sometimes the law is too black and white. At least that's my opinion. Opening a
door and sitting down in the front the seat of a stranger's car while in a
psychosis will obviously still get you deemed guilty of burglary. There's going
to be consequences.
My recent job loss has left me
seeking employment at the same time I was found guilty. Though not impossible,
but finding a job will be much harder. Most companies run background checks
today. Domino effect.
The longer it takes for me to
find a job the longer a financial strain it puts on my family. Domino effect.
All from the beginning consequence of a bipolar psychosis.
Consequences; we all know what it
means. It's defined as, the effect, result, or outcome of something
occurring earlier.
Life means managing uncertainty,
moving ahead in the face of doubt. Bipolar, or any other mental illness, has
already started a sense of apprehension that the world may not be the way it
seems to the senses. The worst conviction has been upheld. We beat ourselves up
more than anyone else comes after us when we do wrong.
For someone with a mental
illness, one has to question fundamentally the notion of the way they perceives
things to be. It strikes at the most profound sense, the sense of certainty,
the belief in the assurance we can trust our thoughts. Unlike others, mentally
ill have to second guess themselves. This is how doubt sets in.
Yes, we do. "Did I really
mean what I said to my spouse?" "Maybe I don't care anymore what
happens to me." The doubts are endless.
All consequences come with
conviction. No matter if psychosis was involved or not. And like the well, the
mentally ill cannot dwell in a place of shattered conviction. Those diagnosed
have to get on with life. But, it is not without a price paid. Questioning
one's sanity is to question something of substance and familiarity, a fact, not
merely some intellectual exercise one entertains, then puts aside. You can't
put aside psychosis, it doesn't work that way. Instead, psychosis puts you
aside.
For the mentally ill, moving on,
passing a defining moment and proceeding on with life is about being given
second chances. Being restored to mental health is to never face life again in
exactly the same manner as before. It's about being moved emotionally by what
to others may be the mundane. It's about clarity of vision lost on those who
have never had to doubt themselves.
As for me, how do I deal with
becoming a felon when technically I did nothing wrong? After all, the
consequences of my psychosis will dramatically affect not only my life but the
lives of family as well.
I am hopeful. I find comfort in
the fact that I purposely did nothing. I can't live my life beating myself up
and continue placing myself on trial finding myself guilty. To do so would be
to remain locked in a self convicting attitude. To do so wouldn't let me move
forward. I would continually be trapped back in that courtroom.
So I have to face my consequences
head on. Whether I truly am guilty or not. I move on and live my life.
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